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LONDON – The USA National Seismology Information Center has just declared a Red Alert in the whole Greater Los Angeles Area, expecting the first fuckquake in World History to take place.

After heated debate amongst the brightest specialists in Geology and Seismology, the scientific community has concluded that a stronger temblor is unavoidable this weekend.

Initial confusion was cleared once the causes of the strong earthquakes shaking the area were finally established. Despite a Seismology community minority’s skepticism, most specialists have agreed that the beginning of this series of quakes is dated July 4th, exactly after Jay Alexander published this tweet:

After feverish consultation with the National Institute of Onanism, it is established beyond any doubt that such tweet triggered a wave of massive masturbation in the State of California. The unprecedented number of horny male homosexuals shaking their meat, has produced never seen effects in the entire subcontinental tectonic structure.

As Twitter traffic around the announced event increases, the risk has extended to the whole Pacific Rim, and the International Seismological Centre has declared a Yellow Alert in the whole area.


Not only the scientific community is disconcerted by this unique occurrence. They are also concerned and scared considering events about to take place in the area, and have call for the support of other agencies.

First Fuckquake

California National Guard has been mobilized by President Trump’s executive order.

The United States Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) does not know exactly when it would take place, but the location of the potentially cataclysmic event is clearly identified. President Trump has signed an executive order mobilizing the National Guard, acting with the promptitude and efficiency he is well known for.

Troops are setting a safety perimeter one mile around an American citizen’s bedroom, for the first time in American History. There is certainty that sometime this weekend in Rhyheim Shabazz’ bedroom, the fuck of the century will take place. 

National Security Agency’s operatives have been monitoring Shabazz’ and Alexander’s plot. However, their hands are tied as fucking is not contemplated by any national security legislation. They can only sit and watch, as many of them also cling to jerking off, surrendering to the irresistible power of these two international porn stars.

As the world wide scientific community joins them in busting ecstasy, a new term has been added to Seismology lexicon: fuckquake. Stay tuned to cable news and emergency announcements, and be ready to move quickly to shelters and safe places. 


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